The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Finally watched The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly for the very first time, after my son requested it. Good god, that movie takes forever! For those of you who don’t want to lose three hours of your lives for a film that could have been done in 80 minutes, here is my synopsis:

*****

THEME MUSIC

squinty-eyed man stares into sunlight

different squinty-eyed man stares into sunlight

third squinty-eyed man stares into sunlight

THEME MUSIC

dust

horses

more dust

tumbleweeds

dusty men who haven’t seen a bath in two years (if the film hadn’t helpfully labeled THE UGLY, I would never have guessed who it was supposed to be)

token female character with zero words of dialogue playing subservient Mexican wife

gunshots

THEME MUSIC

more gunshots

cannon fire

second token female character with about ten words of dialogue playing town prostitute whose sole point in the film is to be brutally beaten in order to reveal a name

dust

horses

hanging noose

THEME MUSIC

desert sun

sand

squinty-eyed man with chapped lips

Confederate soldiers

Union soldiers

cannon fire

THEME MUSIC

satisfying bridge explosion (after two characters carry a wooden crate helpfully marked “EXPLOSIVES” through an active battle zone with soldiers falling all around them and somehow nobody notices or shoots at them)

man running in circles through a graveyard

squinty-eyed man with a shovel and gun

second squinty-eyed man with a shovel and gun

three squinty-eyed men in a triangle at the center of a graveyard

THEME MUSIC

MORE THEME MUSIC

three men squinting and glaring at each other

more squinting and glaring

even more squinting and glaring

still more squinting and glaring

and finally…

one last round of squinting and glaring (I am not exaggerating here)

annnnnd…gunshots!

THEME MUSIC

denouement

squinty-eyed man screaming curses

second squinty-eyed man shoots a rifle

first squinty-eyed man screams a final curse: “You son of a—”

THEME MUSIC

*****

And there you have it! I’ve just saved you two hours and fifty-nine minutes. I highly recommend that you take five of those minutes to watch this fantastic rendition of the theme, so that you, too, can be whistling it for the next several days.



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